Heels You Could Read Through, If It Weren't So Dark

OK, parental warning on this one, because it involves Chris Rock--and if it involves Chris Rock, it's going to be hilarious, but you might want to wash your ears out with soap after the show.

Last night, jet lagged, flicking around the higher altitudes of the cable box, I came across Rock's comedy performance Never Scared. It was great, he's a genius, everybody knows this. To my amazement, he did a riff on fashion:

"when did clear heels become the new whore uniform.... was there a big old hoe convention and all the hoes got together and said we need something new something that just says nasty, then one girl said 'I got it, Clear Heels'--ooo girl you disgusting".

It's funny because it's true. Saw it with my own eyes one afternoon in Mexico City, in a raffish part of town after a lunch of armadillo and fried agave worms (long story). Anyway, making my way back, I passed through a market section where the doorways were lined with girls, on the job. Every blammed one of them was wearing clear-heeled shoes, and at the time, I thought, "when did clear heels become the new hooker uniform . . . "

This was not always the case. Ten years ago, I was at a wedding (Greek=very long), and became fascinated by the shoes of one of the attendees from the bridal side: these amazing lucite heels with sparkly silver balls embedded within them. They looked cool, like that brand of Swedish crystal that has the airbubble trapped down at the base.

But the heydey of clear heels had to be the 1960s, when plastics found wide use in fashion, the vogue for transparency was at its height, and the youthquake culture ensured that playfulness triumphed over restrained and tasteful granny chic.

Here's a pair from eBay, which has loads of them. Some, like these, so stunning that even Chris Rock wouldn't dream of making jokes.