What Fresh Heel is This?

OK, back at the desk after a week in fresh mountain air. Thanks to the childrens' slavish devotion to their DS, I was able to use the flight time to sink into the glossy depths of my own drug of choice, the fashion magazines. Having more time than usual to contemplate the front-of-the-book ads only reinforced how deeply silly, and out-of-touch, the coming season will be. This is nowhere more evident than at the ground floor level--the shoes.

Much to blame: last year's Balenciaga's gladiator sandals-cum-shin-guards, and Prada's (admittedly pretty) piranha-plant heels. These set dizzying heights for fellow designers to match, which they have met this year with stilt-like heels and even more outlandish design.

Take, for example, the footgear offered by Yves Saint Laurent. It's been described as "iconic" in several places, which is apparently code for hideously expensive and essentially unwearable. What was the genesis of the design? I've gotten a stiletto stuck in a grate more times than I can count. This seems a nightmarish extension where the entire foot gets embedded, and the grate somehow vacuum-molds around it. More likely--the shoe was designed using a computer-aided grid; some smartyboots thought it looked cool without a structural skin, and voila, your feet are trussed like a round of beef ready to roast (and blister in an unusually decorative way, if you're walking much farther than a couple yards).

The photo actually makes me laugh. If the poor model took two steps to the left or right, the sticks, burrs and sand of the Hollywood Hills would get so deeply embedded in the latticework that the shoe would look less like a sleekly modernistic structure than beaver's dam.

Now on to even more egregious little numbers from Dior. At first, the heels seem similarly architectural, though in this case more Frank Gehry than modernist grid. But look closer (click on the picture) and you discover that the heels actually take a human form. Like the female caryatids at the Acropolis acting as columns for a pediment, these little figures support the superstructure of Giselle Bundchen.

The problem? With their pendulous breasts, ripe stomachs and ample backsides, the figures harken to the primitive, fertility-goddess sculpture most commonly associated with sub-Saharan Africa and Oceania. Hard on the heels of an outcry over the lack of non-European models on the catwalks and fashion-magazine pages, John Galliano has seen fit to put the inarguably Aryan Giselle hard on the heels of a totemic Black figure, a figure which, needless to say, would never pass muster at a high-fashion casting call.

To me, it's emblematic of the deep cluelessness of the fashion establishment. And why, given the option, most women would rather wear flipflops.

How to Wear It: Brogues

British style weekly Grazia has annointed brogues/wingtips as a women's wear must-have for the coming season. Given the alternative--stratospheric heels that seem perfect for car-to-bar-to-trauma-center rather than a full day out--this makes a lot of sense.

But these traditional men's shoes, typically bearing decorative patterns of perforations and scalloped edging, can be difficult to wear too, unless you think being called a "handsome woman" is the highest form of flattery. They're impossible to pull off with lightweight skirts. With skinny-leg trousers, your feet risk looking enormous. In their most flattering incarnation they're worn with slightly rumpled linen-y trousers with a fairly wide leg, and possibly a turn-up/cuff. With this as an Annie-Hall style bottom, you can go quite a bit more feminine on top to counter the sensibility at ground level.

While it would be perfectly lovely to splash out a couple hundred on brand-new brogues, vintage examples are worth the hunt. If you're amply-footed, you'll be delighted to find that you can finally find vintage shoes that fit, because men's feet back then size up perfectly with our feet right now.

Look for names like Church's, John Lobb, or one of the countless Italian makers of fine footgear. These latter very often have detailing like braidwork, exotic skins, and fancy stitchery that further feminizes the shoe.